listen as the wind blows

Hi. Hello. My name's Jenn. You might remember me. I've been neglecting this space on purpose, as well as Facebook, Flickr and any other online forum. I've been going through some things, some difficult, ugly things that I didn't really want to talk about then, but I can talk about now, well vaguely, at least.

I had some serious body hatred going on, it seemed like the more I worked out, the more I found fault with my body. I looked at myself & judged & each time found myself lacking. I kept trying to figure out a way to be better, thinner, stronger, leaner. All of the issues I had when I was younger came flying back, spitting right in my face, I felt degraded & dirty & bad. I didn't talk about it, not really, just to Amanda, and that was when things were already really bad, I should've said something to someone sooner, but I was ashamed at all of the thoughts running through my mind.

So I stopped doing things, I stopped doing p90x since, for me, it was a catalyst for this bit of downward spiral. Now, I still love those DVDs, they are awesome workouts & I'm still going to do them from time-to-time. But I need to do something that is.... drenched, flooded, soaked in self-love.

Yoga.

I'm giving myself a couple days off to get recentered, balanced, and then I'm going to embrace, or re-embrace my love of yoga.

It was so bad, everything was tainted with anger & ugliness. I was waking up every single night, in the middle of the night, the darkest part of the night, with a ball of anxiety lodged inside me, and I would stay awake for a couple of hours & my thoughts would be focused on either the day job or KOM or The Future, all of the plans I had. It wasn't a fun time and then I'd wake up the next morning shaky, exhausted, out-of-sorts.

It wasn't worth it, it just was not worth it.

~*~

My hair's pulled back right now into a nubby little ponytail, I like that my hair is growing, maybe this time I'll stick with it until it's long, well long for me, at least. I love it.

I'm sitting on the floor of my room, drinking red wine & listening to old Sarah McLachlan. There's a book waiting for me and I may or may not make beans & rice & veggies & brown rice & steamed kale, yummm! I'm starting to get hungry, so methinks I'll do that.

In one month I'll be in Knoxville, TN, the next day I'll be in Memphis & then a few days later, I'll be in Nashville. Making dreams come true, I want to always be brave enough to do that.

Comments

[amanda]

love you so much.

know this.

you are so frickin' beautiful, inside & out.

walk with your head high woman - tower - you deserve to - you earned it!

you be amazing, yo! :)

[Jenn]

i love you! so mushhhhhh! xoxoxo

[Bethan]

Hi Jenn,
Wow. What a Universal Experience Of Women; body hatred. I guess from what you say in your post there have been things that have happened to you which have been triggered of late. I'm so sorry to hear that. I guess that when we're feeling low, the other low feelings that are lodged inside us get triggered too.

A little while ago I worked for a personal development company and one of the things that I learnt there really stuck out for me. It was that, when we focus on looking for something, we will always be drawn to more of it. Say for example, you are asked to count all the blue things in the room you're sitting in. You count them and then the person says, "so how many red things did you see?" Your subconscious mind had the instruction from you to look for blue, so it drew your eyes to the blue things and you didn't even THINK about the red! When you talked about finding fault with your body, I couldn't help thinking of that. You will always find what you're looking for. If you want to collect up evidence for why your body is horrible/ugly, your mind will help you to find it. If you focus on looking for all of your natural, vibrant gorgeousness - your lovliest parts - you'll find them. Tricky to do when in a pool of body hatred ... I know from experience! ... but worth remembering next time you look in the mirror. X

[Danette]

So glad I came to visit, so grateful for your courageous honesty. I am nodding, and sending you deep breaths of self love.

[Jenn @ Kind Over Matter]

Bethan -- thank you for the suggestion, you're right, it's so easy to find things when that's what you're looking for, so much harder to search things out when you aren't.

Danette -- Aww, thank you! They are so appreciated & yes, I'm glad you came to visit, too. =) Peace to you, lovely. xoxo.