Oh, this messy life

pish posh, she says!

Um. Where to begin. It's sunny & bright & hot & I'm so tired right now, this coffee is fake, they gave me decaf, I think.

Roadtrippin' in 10 days! I got so much stuff done this weekend, but the biggest thing was getting the car checked out, it's good to go! I bought a real live Babe-in Suit™ & did a ton of laundry. My hairs are trimmed & the color is nice & pretty. All the hotels/hostels/couch crashes are situated. I have gas money & play money. I think the only thing I still need to do is figure out the new ink -- what & where. I have ideas, so many ideas, but no decisions. Decisions need to be made.

I saw P yesterday, I had no idea how much I'd missed him until I saw him walking across the parking lot. Sweet Jesus, I missed him.

The moving date is set for July 31/Aug. 1, I need to find someone help me shove my stuff across the hall, I know I'm Superwoman, but that dresser & bed is heavy, yeah. Eeeee! I can't wait to hang up Connie's painting! It'll be coming home to me after I get back from the roadtrip, gotta save up for it because all my funds are going towards the trip. I am so. very. grateful. that she's holding onto it for me. Love her, so much.

I've been wrestling with a lot of food/eating issues. I've decided that I'm going to eat healthy food, be aware of what I'm eating, rock the veggies & beans & whole grains, eat cheese when I want to eat cheese and pish posh to anyone that gives me grief about it. I'm not 100% vegan material. I'm 75% vegan material, and I'm really done apologizing for that missing 25%. If I'm happy & satisfied, that's really all that matters.

I started the 365 photo project! Today is day 3, I left my camera at home, but I do have my phone, so I'm all set with that. I think this is going to be fun, been missing my cameras, so much!

What else? Work is crazy busy, it is always crazy busy but I've learned how to balance projects & time. I'm still doing the 30 day shred, even though I missed a couple days here and there. It's whatever, not stressing about it, it's so much fun! And the 20 minute workout is pretty ace, too. It kicks my ass, so hard, every time. KOM stuff is good, working on lining up Kindred posts & giveaways through the rest of the summer.

That's mostly it, methinks! I hope each of you are having a wonderful day. GO SUMMER!

fin, redux

No, what I really feel is neglected & ignored & that's what's pissing me off.

That's all I have to say about that, at least here.

The end!

revamping my wardrobe

So I realized that 2010 was turning into a lotta mess. I was on this turning-into-a-huge downward spiral. I was not happy. I was, in fact, unhappy.

And that wasn't acceptable, because:

1) it's just not acceptable, for me, to live, like that. I refuse.

2) this year started off UH-MAY-ZING. I flew for the first time in my entire life, I went to San Diego, I touched the Pacific Ocean, I kicked so much ass on the job, I let go of things that were not working for me, I got Invisalign & decided to buy a house next year. See? Amazing. Yeah, I know.

So all of this... mess, anxiety, depression, stress, that was just not working out for me.

So I went away for a little while, wrapped my head around it all, made a concerted effort to let go of some emo(tional) baggage & love on myself, somewhat sloppily.

I read devoured books, I cooked & made new things at mealtime, I dyed my hair this crazy vibrant shade of red, I started doing the 30 Day Shred, I spoke up about things that were hurting me, I got back into Leaving Things at the Door™, I painted my nails, worked my herbals, Opened my heart, Gave of Myself.

Is everything perfect now?

No of course not, but things are a lot more shiny now, I'm wearing my smile again, there's joy in my eyes via my heart again. Because my wardrobe will always need my smile & joy in my eyes.

my whole house is great

my body is my home, my house.

i agree with jessica, yes my whole house is great.

♥

listen as the wind blows

Hi. Hello. My name's Jenn. You might remember me. I've been neglecting this space on purpose, as well as Facebook, Flickr and any other online forum. I've been going through some things, some difficult, ugly things that I didn't really want to talk about then, but I can talk about now, well vaguely, at least.

I had some serious body hatred going on, it seemed like the more I worked out, the more I found fault with my body. I looked at myself & judged & each time found myself lacking. I kept trying to figure out a way to be better, thinner, stronger, leaner. All of the issues I had when I was younger came flying back, spitting right in my face, I felt degraded & dirty & bad. I didn't talk about it, not really, just to Amanda, and that was when things were already really bad, I should've said something to someone sooner, but I was ashamed at all of the thoughts running through my mind.

So I stopped doing things, I stopped doing p90x since, for me, it was a catalyst for this bit of downward spiral. Now, I still love those DVDs, they are awesome workouts & I'm still going to do them from time-to-time. But I need to do something that is.... drenched, flooded, soaked in self-love.

Yoga.

I'm giving myself a couple days off to get recentered, balanced, and then I'm going to embrace, or re-embrace my love of yoga.

It was so bad, everything was tainted with anger & ugliness. I was waking up every single night, in the middle of the night, the darkest part of the night, with a ball of anxiety lodged inside me, and I would stay awake for a couple of hours & my thoughts would be focused on either the day job or KOM or The Future, all of the plans I had. It wasn't a fun time and then I'd wake up the next morning shaky, exhausted, out-of-sorts.

It wasn't worth it, it just was not worth it.

~*~

My hair's pulled back right now into a nubby little ponytail, I like that my hair is growing, maybe this time I'll stick with it until it's long, well long for me, at least. I love it.

I'm sitting on the floor of my room, drinking red wine & listening to old Sarah McLachlan. There's a book waiting for me and I may or may not make beans & rice & veggies & brown rice & steamed kale, yummm! I'm starting to get hungry, so methinks I'll do that.

In one month I'll be in Knoxville, TN, the next day I'll be in Memphis & then a few days later, I'll be in Nashville. Making dreams come true, I want to always be brave enough to do that.

things recently

-- I'm on week one day four of p90x & am super proud of myself for this. I'm so sore & it feels uh-may-zing to stretch, so good! Today I'm supposed to do the YogaX dvd, which is killer, so hard, and very long. So yeah, when my alarm clock went off this morning & I could really sit up, I decided to skip that dvd & do my Rodney Yee dvd when I get to my momma's house tonight.

-- Yes, I'm heading down to the county tonight, me & Beanie. Mum & I are going to Dover Downs tomorrow -- wooo! gambling! It will be my second time ever & I'm excited about doing a mini-roadtrip with my mom but really not wanting to lose any money because I'm trying to pay off all my debts & save money for the whole house thing. But! It'll be fun & I'm not going to stress over it.

-- Roadtrip! to! Tennessee! Writing this reminded me I need to request time off & start mapping things out, too! Yay! I'm so excited! & I just can't hide it!

-- Cathy & I went strawberry picking & to a vineyard Saturday -- so fun & I have so. many. strawberries. right now. Smoothies galore!

could it be that it has been there all along

how do you love yourself?

how much do you love yourself?

how do you embrace the Divine in you?

how do you embrace the Goddess that lives within your skin?

what do you do for yourself to show you that you love you?

when i was exercising this morning, sweating, heart pounding, skin glowing, i realized that by exercising, i was showing me how i much i loved myself.

so when i wanted to stop, when i was tired, i asked myself, how much do you love yourself? & then i kept going.

i want to dance, i've been on a huge incubus kick the past little bit, every song, old incubus, so many big beautiful memories.

i was looking at photos earlier, from my friend denise & i thought that i want to be strong, i feel young, i feel like i still look at myself like i'm young, not a child, but not necessarily a grown-up, an adult.

i want to be stronger, and becoming physically stronger is one way, the first way, i know how to do this.

i feel a little lost right now, this isn't a bad thing, but it's just a time to think, regroup, plan.

new ideas for ink are flying around, got it planned for the end of july/early august, also gonna get my feet touched up within the next couple of months. this makes me happy.

two things

1. Write a letter to her.

2. Work on forgiving myself.

(They're connected.)

There's something going on right now & I'm not sure what it is. If I sit still enough & quietly enough, I can almost see something happening inside of me, but with the everydayness of the everyday, I don't really slow down that much until I'm at home.

But there's something there. I can almost see it.

catching up

I can't believe that it's May 1 already, the days are flying by, so fast, and I'm happy that more often than not, they're good days.

It's early on Saturday morning, I woke up at 6:30 already whining about having to go to work, when slowly my mind knew it needed to remember something, that thought felt off for some reason, and then oh yes... it....is........Saturday. No work! I couldn't get back to sleep though, the birds were seriously singing so loud, it was both irritating & fun. I crawled out of bed about 8:15, started a pot of coffee & got to work on making a box to send Trish's collage out. Hahaha, I made a box, it is the most trife box I've ever seen, but it'll get the collage where it needs to be. Beginning to end, finally, it's ready to go.

This week has been really crazy, but I got a lot accomplished. The video that I've been working on for the past six months (yeah, it's really been that long) wrapped up. I'm happier than I can express in a public forum such as this that the thing is ending. What a huge weight gone, feels amazing.

I haven't done yoga at all this week, but I'm going running with my roommate Becky for the first time. First time running, first time hanging out outside of the house with Becky. While all of us in the house get along (mostly) we don't tend to socialize outside of the house, which is fine.

I've been keeping up on my herbals -- healthy liver tonic & the jarrosil silicon supplement in the mornings, my multi-vitamins with probiotics in the evening, along with the normal thyroid medicine in the AM & Pill in the PM.

I picked up St. John's Wort yesterday to take on an as-needed basis, & this Rainbow Light powder, too. I kind of messed up with the cleanse from a couple weeks ago, so got the liver tonic to simulate the AM pill I was taking & the RL powder to sync up with the PM pill I was taking. It all sounds like a lot, but it's really not & everything is nice & orderly. I like it.

Amanda & I were featured on Handmade Spark yesterday! It's the first of the interviews to come out, we have another one coming out sometime & then a magazine feature coming out this summer, I think. Everything with KOM has seriously blown up, it's been challenging to find a way to balance things, I've decided to spend one night a week specifically working only on KOM stuff. So when I got home Wednesday or maybe Thursday I spent two hours writing sponsor posts, fixing up Kind Kindred posts, working on ad stuff, things like that. I didn't feel like I made a dent, but everything is almost done now. Knock on wood.

Ok, life decision I made? I'm buying a house. Next summer I'm going to start looking for a house, my last credit card will be paid off by then, I'll still have the student loans but HA! that's not going anywhere for a while. It's time. I kept putting off thoughts like that because.... shouldn't I be married or in a committed relationship when I buy a house? Shouldn't I be rolling in the dough so I can afford a neat place with neat things? Shouldn't I, etc. etc. etc.

I don't want to keep waiting for that sort of thing. I'll be responsible, wait until a huge bill is paid off, but I'm not going to keep waiting for The One to buy a house with, that's silly. I want my own space, something small, I can plant a garden, sit on a porch or front step, know the mess is my own, cook dinner, decorate without feeling like I'm imposing my tastes on others, just have a Home. I want that, I didn't realize how much I wanted that.

Ok, gonna hop in the shower, get ready for the run & hit up the post office! Woooo! I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend. XOXOXO

at week's end

How could you not want to just squeeeeze him? Oh that little face, eeee! Hahahaha.

I'm really excited about going to the grocery store & Michael's tonight & working on a birthday collage for my little cousin. Tomorrow I'm going up to Baltimore to see Andy & generally stomp around the city, then in the afternoon is a birthday party for Adrianna, she's going to be... 5, I think.

On Sunday, I'm catching up with Cathy for a minute at Robek's & then I'm going to make spinach lasagna!! Mmmm.

I made a significant life decision yesterday & as soon as I did, I felt better. I could literally feel the weight lift up off of my shoulders, it was so nice.

Today is pretty, I hope each of you are smiling. XOXO

tossing pennies, making wishes

“I’m a really big believer that we all have this voice inside of us, & that voice is God talking to us, & we are all magical, & we all have something as specific to do as our fingerprint. & everybody should go out & do that. & I think between the ages of 15 & 32, don’t worry about getting married, don’t worry about settling down, don’t worry about having a baby. Give birth to yourself.”
-- Kelly Cutrone

when i am among the trees

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness,
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”

-- "When I Am Among the Trees," Mary Oliver

a case of the bah humbugs

I woke up feeling lonesome & blue, any time I feel sad (over anything) I worry that it means I need to go back on meds, that's my first thought, not oh perhaps I'm experiencing a normal emotion. Bah humbug on that, I say!

But yes, lonesome. The people I love best are all far away & let's just leave it at that. I'm not sure what my plans are for the day, I know I need to do something to give myself an emotional/mental lift, maybe I'll go to Meeting, nevermind it starts in a half hour, maybe I'll just have Meeting here, but that's part of the problem, I want to be around people.

Maybe I'll take care of lots of little chores that I've been putting off -- hanging up the shelf for my paints, finding out how to mail Trish her collage (too big for USPS, ack!), cleaning out my car & closet, organizing my books.

Maybe I'll see if Cathy wants to go to Robeks.

Maybe I'll do yoga & read & cook -- black bean hummus! I want to look through the vegan cookbook I got from the library & check out the book Sara suggested.

Maybe I'll start a brand new 101/1001 list.

Blech. My heart just feels yucky today.

Ok, what have I learned this week?

-- That I appreciate things more when they are treats rather than everyday.

-- That a good night's sleep feels really nice.

-- That I'm getting stronger & my yoga practice is improving.

-- That I don't need to be so hard on myself.

-- That I need to stop comparing myself to other people.

-- That I will do things at my own pace & trying to rush things only makes me stressed & unhappy.

-- That I love walking into my room and have rainbows from my prism splash all over me.

-- That I like having the sound of birds singing wake me up.

-- That I know how to take good care with my self.

-- That Thursdays are still my favorite day of the week.

I'm going to the grocery store tonight, I was going to do my weekly shopping, but I think I'm going to hold off on that until later in the weekend. The only recipe I have so far is for black bean hummus (!!!) & I want to have maybe three or four. Something I can batch cook & then eat the leftovers for meals throughout the week, gotta think!

Can't wait to make the hummus, hooray!

easy peasy

So I totally skipped Italian class last night, and I don't feel bad about it all. Trish & I played e-mail tag yesterday, lots of back & forth, it felt so good to talk with her & she gave me so many things to think about, I mean A LOT of stuff to think about. She helped me put so many things into perspective & made me realize that I was being really hard on myself & that things don't have to be so rigid. Because in my head? Shit was rigid. It was all or nothing without me realizing it. I feel so much better today. ♥ Tee ♥

These are my plans:

1. Finish the cleanse.
2. Learn about going raw.
3. Find several yummy-looking & easy vegan recipes.
4. Cook them! Make a recipe list of some sort.
5. Continue to leave processed sugar out of my diet.
6. Cut way back on cheese, continue with the rest of the dairy in my diet as is (no milk, eggs, little yogurt.)
7. Save up for the juicer. Oh, and
8. Stick with the multi-vitamins.

So, less cheese, no dairy, more raw, more vegan, no sugar, more juice. Easy peasy. Suuuuure.

So yeah, skipped Italian, & I went to the library on my way home -- I picked up two trashy novels (!!!), Vegan with a Vengeance & Yoga as Medicine. Oh, & an 8-cd Italian course, so I can still learn things even though I skipped class.

After I got home I did yoga with my boy Rodney Yee, I love how each time I do the DVD I can see improvement, that makes me feel so good & really want to stick with it. So yes, yoga, took a long hot shower & then I did some house stuff -- cleaned my room, folded laundry. Finished up the new KOM cards. Read for a little bit. It was a really nice evening, I felt so good when I went to sleep. Which makes the 3 a.m. anxiety session totally out of place, right? I'm not sure what's up with that, but for the past few weeks every Wednesday night I wake up dancing on the edge of some full-blown anxiety. No idea what it's about, but it subsides after a couple of hours.

So I'm going to go warm up some soup & eat a small amount of cheese, maybe... slice off two pieces instead of six & then go for a walk around DC. I have cards to drop, ohhh they look so pretty! Can't wait to share them with everyone tomorrow!

slips & skips

This is what I need to see today, this is what I need to remember. That I had a huge victory & that little setbacks are ok, that they'll happen. That every day is part of the journey.

Last night: took multi-vitamins, oh and the stuff for the cleanse. That's all I did, no yoga, no paper journal, no nothing. Well, I ate dinner, tinkered with some KOM stuff, did some house chores, took an amazingly long hot shower. It was a nice relaxing night -- I watched LOST downstairs on the big tv & Beanie napped on the couch across from me, he kept going over to the yoga mat & grunting at me, too, oh Bean. ♥

I woke up this morning & tried to talk myself out of going to work, I should stay home, do yoga, clean the house, etc. etc. etc. But seriously, if I'm taking a mental health day, it's not going to be for this mess. And then on the metro in, I was starving, so hungry, my roommate rode in with me, she mentioned a bagel and that's all I could think about, a bagel, a nice hot sesame seed bagel with butter. Mmm. But I have oatmeal for breakfast, that's good & healthy. Bagel! Bagel! Eat it!! So I went to Cosi & got a bagel & a small coffee & I have to say it, I feel so much better right now. This was day four without coffee & sugar. I put raw sugar in the coffee, though, so that's not completely bad.

Welcome to all of my thoughts, wheee!

I don't think I planned out the whole going mostly raw thing well enough. And I think I'm trying to do too many dietary/life changes at once. Cleanse, going raw, giving up caffeine & whatever sweeteners that Sbux puts in their fancy drinks (I stopped using the processed white sugar several weeks ago) -- and then maintaining all of the day-to-day changes -- yoga & exercising (I start p90x tomorrow!), paper journalling, vitamins. Other things that I don't remember right now. I'm doing a lot & need to just allow for slip-ups, I guess.

Part of me wants to skip out on Italian class tonight & get all of this stuff together, but I don't think that would be good. I feel like I always quit on things, I don't want to quit on this.

Anyway. Holy holy this is some good coffee!

& so it started

It started, really, when I went to my momma's house over Easter weekend. All of the laughter, good food, uninterrupted sleep, silliness. That's when I realized that I was feeling like myself again. No more random bouts of tears, very few brain shocks, steady & stable emotions.

I'm completely off of meds now, the past two weeks have been pure bliss, but now I'm realizing that there are things I need to do every day in order to stay balanced & ok, for lack of a better word. Yoga, good healthy eating, multi-vitamins every day, little to no caffeine, paper journaling, stay on top of things with Kind Over Matter, 8 hours of sleep every night. Also, I'm going to look into natural means of anxiety management, things like massage & reiki, aromatherapy. Yay!

On Sunday, maybe I didn't feel like doing yoga, maybe I wanted to eat an Amy's burrito & that's it, maybe I wanted to read for hours. So that's what I did, & yesterday I could feel such a difference, yuck. I did yoga as soon as I got home, although it was hard with Beanie wanting to do child's pose on the mat when I'm trying to do downward dog, bahaha. Oh I love him.

So yeah, I did yoga yesterday, it was amazing, I can tell I'm getting stronger -- poses I'm able to hold longer & straighter -- I can almost touch my toes! I can't wait to do yoga tonight & I think I'm going to save up for a 10-visit pass at one of the local bikram yoga studios nearby. That's gonna be so rad!

Today is day three of a 14-day cleanse, this is one that I feel comfortable doing because it still allows me to eat meals throughout the day, and with my history with food, this is one of the necessary requirements for me to be able to do one. I've been eating more raw foods, lots of fresh veggies, drinking so much water. I feel good & am really looking forward to seeing what else this whole experience has in store for me.

Peace, peace, peace.

the story of right now

i don't know what to do, i don't know what i want to do. to be more accurate, i do know some things that i want or that i want to do, but i haven't given voice to them, not really. & so things have stopped, come to such a screeching halt, i felt it in my bones, the lack of impact. so. i want to cook you dinner, i want it to be fun & festive & for you to be looking forward to it as much as i am. i want to finish the sense of home photo project, i want to take it in a different direction & i know which direction that is. i want to start writing again. i want to chop all my hair off. i want to make a move with the project trish & i are working on. so. i am cooking you dinner & it's going to be fun & festive & i hope that you are excited about it like i am. i am finishing the sense of home photo project, beginning today. i am writing again. i am going to make an appointment to get my hair shorn. i am going to take that first shot today. i keep thinking to myself, over & over, that i want to go home, but home can be a half dozen or more places.

today's simple pleasures

a mid-afternoon nap in sunshine listening to the night rainbows painted along the walls a glass of red wine stretched out on the floor watching incense burn a new type of smoothie driving with the windows down & the music up reading the evening away

Labels: simple pleasures